Not What I Expected: A Three Minute Essay on the PhD Journey's Mental Toll

Hopeful. Energized. Ambitious. These are the words I would use to describe myself the summer before I started my PhD. I had just moved across the country from San Francisco to Boston to begin my five year program in Psychology. I was passionate about research and felt most at home in the academic setting. I believed I had a calling. I was meant to develop rigorous science within the field and contribute toward uncovering truths about the nature of human cognition. I would encourage undergraduate students to pursue postgraduate education, earn my doctorate, land a postdoc, and ultimately become a tenured track professor one day. I could see the end goal clearly in my mind, and I was headed toward it with vigor.

Insecure. Stressed. Weary. These are the words I would use to describe myself after just a few weeks in my PhD program. In fact, these words could probably be used to describe myself throughout the majority of the journey. It was as though I could not do anything right. The questions I asked were not the right ones. The answers I had did not cut it. My writing was not strong enough. My statistical knowledge was lacking. I could recite lines of criticism I received in my first year that continue to play in my mind all these years later, but I will not. I do not need to. Because the truth is, I am not unique. A quick Google search produces a rather comprehensive AI Overview: Mental health challenges among PhD students are common, with some studies reporting that half of graduate students experience symptoms of depression. Further, PhD students were twice as likely as working professionals to show signs of severe anxiety.

 "I could recite lines of criticism I received in my first year that continue to play in my mind all these years later, but I will not. I do not need to. Because the truth is, I am not unique."

Perhaps these statistics come as a shock to you, or maybe you are one of the graduate students experiencing those symptoms. I remember speaking with my advisor in a tear-filled Zoom meeting and telling her that I expected earning my PhD would require hard work and long hours. What I never expected was the mental and emotional toll the journey would have on me. Many of us make sacrifices to earn a doctorate because we yearn to change not only our own life trajectory, but that of future generations. We have a love for learning, teaching, and discovery. Too often do we find ourselves torn down, and too often nobody in the academy has the time or energy to help build us back up.

Humbled. Resilient. Adaptable. These are the words I would use to describe myself now, a little under two months away from my dissertation defense. Despite all of the knowledge I've gained on the theories pertaining to my research topic, the statistical methods I've honed to model my effects, or the writing and public speaking skills I've sharpened, I feel more than ever aware of all that I do not know. Maybe it is all thanks to imposter syndrome, or maybe it is just what this journey does to us. As I attempt to remedy this conclusion with a spark of inspiration, I find myself succumbing to wisdom instead. Sometimes the road we travel leads us to an unexpected destination. We may find ourselves disappointed, saddened, or angry. But maybe there is something beautiful in this place too, if we choose to accept that this discovery also holds the truth we were searching for at the beginning of this journey.

References

1.https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8715816/#:~:text=In%20the%20general%20U.S.%20population,et%20al.%2C%202018).

2.https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37624099/#:~:text=In%20fact%2C%20studies%20show%20that,students'%20decision%20to%20leave%20academia.

3.https://www.nature.com/articles/d41586-021-03761-3#:~:text=PhD%20students%20were%20twice%20as,reported%20some%20level%20of%20anxiety.